What NOT To Say

In my work with tweens (Tween Tribe) we talk a lot about what's up in their lives, what's bugging them, what's going great.

At one Tween Tribe, we asked the tween-aged girls to think of a time they'd been misunderstood. A time when the other person just wouldn't listen to them. Who was the "villain" in most of their tales? Mean girls on the playground? Demanding teachers? Nah! You guessed it--Moms! Okay, so we moms are the villains in many of our girls' stories. No shock, right? After all, if we didn't mess up our kids now, then there would be no work for therapists twenty years down the road.

But in listening to these girls tell their tales week after week, I do sometimes want to take us moms aside and just have a little pow-wow about what NOT to say!

So...here's the first one.

YOUR DELIGHTFUL 5th GRADE DAUGHTER SAYS: Mom, I really want a pair of Ugg boots.

YOU SAY: What? Are you kidding? Those things cost like $200. And you'll just end up getting them all muddy like all your other shoes?

DAUGHTER: But all the girls have them.

YOU: Well, I'm not all the girls' mothers! I can't help it if everyone else spoils their daughters on ridiculous shoes. I don't even wear shoes that cost that much.

DAUGHTER: I hate you! (door slams)

Okay...let's try again.

DELIGHTFUL DAUGHTER: Mom, I really want a pair of Ugg boots.

What is she really asking for? Not boots, really. What's she's really asking for is the ability to fit in with her peers at school. The strong desire to fit in is a natural, developmentally appropriate urge for tween-aged girls. In fact, it's a healthy sign that she's aware of her social surroudnings and picking up social clues. Much of this social "mind reading" works in your favor. For instance, your previously slovenly daughter might start brushing her hair and washing her face unprompted by you. She's noticed the other girls don't show up to school with giant knots in their hair or poppy seeds in their teeth, and she's on board with fitting in.

The Ugg boots, however, may strain your budget or tolerance. Or both. That's okay. You don't need to get the boots, but you also shouldn't shame your daughter for her wish to be like her peers. You could probably glance around your own kitchen or closet and find plenty of examples of purchases you made in order to fit in at work, at a PTA meeting or when the neighborhood gals come by for wine tasting night. I mean, how many of really need those cutesy little wine glass charms, after all?

Okay...so instead of shaming, yelling, lecturing, let's try exploring, understanding,compromising and problem-solving.

YOU: Why do you want Ugg boots, sweety?

HER: Because all of the girls have them.

YOU: Well, I can understand you wan to fit it. Is there a girl in particular who wears Uggss?

Opportunity might be knocking! This might be a chance to explore the girls she knows, the girls she emulates and where she fits into the school's social heirarcy. The conversation could go on for quite awhile, and you might learn a lot of useful stuff. But let's get to the heart of the matter, from your perspective.

YOU: Do you know how much those boots cost?

HER: No.

YOU: I think they're about $200.

HER: Oh. I didn't know. Can I still have them? For Christmas?

YOU: That's just way out of our budget for clothing for you. I'd be willing to give you $40 for boots, and if you want to save up allowance money for the rest, that's okay. Or, we can find some faux Uggs that will only cost about $40. Do you want to go online right now and we'll see what's out there?

HER: No, I want real Uggs like the other girls have.

YOU: Okay. Well, let's start saving for them right now. I'll put aside the first $40 and you an earn the rest through allowance and other things. Why don't we go down to the bank today and start a saving's account for you.

Now, things might not go this swimmingly, of course. But you get the idea. The boots offer you an opportunity to explore Girl World. They also offer you an opportunity to talk to your daughter about money, budgets and savings. Who knew Uggs could be so useful?